my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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