Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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