Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
