i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
