Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
