You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
