She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
