Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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