i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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