I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
