note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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