I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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