I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
