Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
