Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
