Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
