OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
