I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize