mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i think my tv is drunk
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
