This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
