Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
