I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
