She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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