ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize