i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
