I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I lost the right to judge tonight
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
