I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize