I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
