I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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