Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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