so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
