I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
