brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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