I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
