Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize