those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
