this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
