halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
