I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
