genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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