You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
