I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
