Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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