wrigley field is MILF paradise
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
