I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
