I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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