My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
