Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize