he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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