apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
