70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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