It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
