Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize