I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
