I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
