Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
