Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
