she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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