bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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